it was a hot day; pretty much like any other day in late july - the temp was well above 100 degrees, and humidity was catching up quickly.  I was hot, wet and stinky - very stinky. sort of like leather shoes smell when worn with no socks for 10 hours while doing construction work.  given all this, I started to think to myself - "this is not the kind of day to be covered with hair." one of the many downfalls to being a monkey is massive amounts of hair, a trait I have not fallen in love with. just then, I had a flash back to when I first shaved my body - those were the days, freak shows and rock concerts - catching a job every now and then as security with some traveling circus.  crazy days, and crazy nights.  then there was that time at ozzfest, and the thing with that insane Ozzy - very strange.

just then, as I was thinking of all the "good" times, the reality set in.  while shaving my body was fun, even enjoyable - some could even say it was down right entertaining - it had it's down sides.  it was when my hair started to grow back when the problems started.  it itched so badly, and I scratched so much, people thought I either had a bad case of lice, or a horrible body rash.  besides, all the scratching simply reinforced the human stereotypes of what "is" and what "isn't" the actions of a monkey.

then again, I was never really concerned with what others had to say - and it was hot, very hot - and I was starting to stink, and stink real bad - I needed to do something.  so I sat down, and using junior high algebra (editors note: junior high algebra comes in hand later in life) I figured I would need three cans of shick gel shaving cream and five packs of mach 3 blades to get the job done. it use to take only two cans and three pack, but I gained weight because of the good times in life. I could have used that new "enleve system" with the hair inhibitor gel but, that was way too expensive. I'm living on a monkey's salary here.  This would have to work.

so I jumped in my 4x4 and headed to the local drug store.  when I arrived, I remembered I was banned for entering - something about the argument I had with the manager concerning evolution - he was still mad because I had won the argument - because of that he had the local city council pass an ordinance about 'punk monkeys not entering drug stores'. In my opinion it was ludicrous but, I couldn't do much about it because of the ordinance that says 'no punk monkeys allowed to hold office in the city council'.  any way,  I knew I needed the "stuff" so like teenagers asking people to buy beer for them, I sat in front of the store and asked people if they would buy me the needed items - it wasn't long before I found a person willing to violate the ordnance and get me my stuff (editors note: we are not recommending you violate and local ordnances concerning punk monkeys and the purchasing of drug store merchandise).  now having all the supplies I needed, I headed home for a two hour shave fest.

when I got home, I ran into the shower - razor in hand.  as I started to shave I started to remember all the bad things that happened the last time I shaved my whole body - but the excitement and the desire not to have all this hair was too powerful for me to give in, I had to shave - I must.  and it felt great - I was clear of hair, and as soon as I was done, I felt better. but the joy was short lived - extremely short lived.

the next day, when I woke up, I was starting to get uncomfortable - the itching, the stinging, the rash - it was even worse then I had remembered.  I had given in to a few hours of joy, for two weeks worth of pain and suffering - in fact, over the new two weeks the itching and rash took on a new and twisted form.  I was in pain, and I could do nothing about it.   I called my vet to see if she could help, but nothing - just advise, "don't shave again".  "thanks." I said.  "as if that wasn't as obvious as the equation to figure out the quantum flux in a black hole." (editor's note: maybe he should find a more intelligent vet.)

I learned a very important lesson that day - over the two weeks - to this day I have not shaved my body and I will not - I remember the pain.  I should have learned from my first mistake, but sometimes it takes two or three times of doing the same stupid thing for us to learn. as long as we learn our lesson, we are in good standing - my lesson?  to remember and not act on an impulse.

PuNk mOnKEy -